Part VIII of Wolverette’s 3rd Print Issue

Posted: April 13, 2010 in Past issues

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“My name is Claudia. I am 30 years old, living in Leipzig. I guess it all started with adolescence, when writing became a kind of obsession to me. Writing diary, to be precise. An important precondition for writing is a feeling of freedom and trust. No one can write anything, when confronted with “good advises”, critizising friends or kin. So a diary is a good opportunity to write, because you can make sure nobody ever will read it. I write down everything what goes on inside my head, about things I cannot or do not want to discuss with people around me. To often peoples’ reactions on my thoughts and feelings are negative, for many reasons, which do not neccessarily have to have anything with to do with me as a person. But anyway, the problem with those reactions is: I have a good chance to get judged, hurt, rejected, fooled, exploited. Writing down my thoughts and feelings is a safe way to express myself. First of all I have to know, respect and love myself. If I don’t, I cannot expect anyone else to do so. Sometimes I compare writing with breathing. I just have to do it, to keep on living. Especially when going through a period of sorrow, the journal, the diary, the piece of paper often is the only “person” who will listen without judging me. The thing is, quite often it is just anything a person with problems needs – someone who is able to listen without judging. I’m afraid there are just a few people on this planet that have this ability. Judgement makes me sick. Why do people always have to judge? Maybe because we learned from our early childhood on to be judged, to judge ourselves, and consequently to judge others on any occasion. Keeping a journal may save you from being judged. When it comes to zine writing, the whole aspect of writing comes to a broader aspect. The lovely thing with zine texts is the personal style. It is a kind of strange thing: for me and many other people who appreciate zines the fascinating, attracting thing is the honest, true and real language. The best zines I ever had in my hands, read like quite private diary entries. But people who feel attracted by this medium are often at the same time very shy, feel ashamed of their own words. I do not exclude myself from this group. At the moment I work on a personal zine myself – and I have to remind myself from time to time, that I do not want to read things that sound artificial, boring for the sake of a so called objectivity. In my perception of human life there is not such a thing as objectivity. We all are individuals with very special stories, fears, preferences, passions – we are no robots. About a half year ago a very close friend of mine committed suicide by hanging himself at a deserted factory hall not very far from the place I live. It almost broke my heart. Being confronted with this hard outlet of reality I soon realized that I go through an elementary experience. Death, sadness, mourning – I had to express it. As I live in a death-denying culture, I found most of the people around me overstressed with my sadness. I avoided people, because any sign of happy talk I witnessed seemed to me as naïve, superficial behaviour – and of course I did not fit into this kind of society. The crazy thing about it is when you write it down, any thought that comes directly from your heart – people recept your world in a more respectful, deeper way. It is a text you produce – in most cases a text is read by people, who are open-minded, who want to learn about other peoples’ inner worlds and in the end they appreciate openness and honesty. Some time ago I read a newspaper interview with a successful artist from Leipzig, the painter Neo Rauch. There was a quote of him, written in big letters “There is nothing to embarrass me anymore”. I like this quote. It is the essence of true art, I guess. Expressing yourself without judging you. Just express yourself and create a positive relationship with yourself. So you have a good chance to be able to do the same with the person next to you. Zines are important. They connect people at a very personal level. I do not know any other medium that can do this. That is revolutionary. Next you can find a sample of my diary writings. If you want to get in touch with me, just send me an e-mail: medbh at web dot de

2008-05-02
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Virginie Despentes!!! I just read through “King Kong Theory”. I am so happy about this book. Consistent punk rock feminism at its best. I want to buy me my own copy of this book. Maybe next month? On Monday I will have to go to the unemployment office to get me a charity cheque. No money for cultural acquisition such as books. But anyway. I reckon Virginie Despentes as a very progressive thinker, who is not afraid of looking deep inside her own shadow. Her way of writing about her very own terrible experience of being raped has nothing oppressive to me, but something relieving. This is one of her great achievements. For the first time literature has a stronger impact on me as music does. That is new to me. This book “King Kong Theory” came to me as a real bombshell – the ice-axe to break the seas frozen inside my soul (thanx, franz k.)…
Last night I dreamt of Mario again, indirectly, about the mourning for him. In that dream I heard this Joy Division song “walk in silence – don’t turn away in silence – see the danger always danger – endless talking life rebuilding – don’t walk away…” having this song in my head made me so sad again. I felt Mario slipping away from me, perishing and I cannot save him. Shortly after waking up the tears rolled down my eyes. Today it is nearly half a year ago. Mario, dead. Tears in my eyes. His death was tragic but predictable. Even comprehensible. Nevertheless a shock within my small and dull-witted world. I only hope he is getting better now that in this life. I wish him his suffering is over now. At the same time I feel more and more anger with this world, where people like Mario get depressed and desperate. Until they cannot bear it anymore, until they see only one last exit letting cool down this world by forcing their hearts to stop beating. Tears. I will try to keep on living, at least for a while. We will see how far I will get. With Virginie Despentes’ reading I feel well-equipped. I feel that her texts can show me a way out of my depression. I like her language, her sadness, her anger, her abysses and her beauty. I just read two of her books. I think, now I want to read everything she wrote. And there is a new dream in my head: I really would like to get to know her some day. However, I hope her English is not as bad as my French. ”

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