Part V of Wolverette #2’s issue: “COMBINING PUSSY AND BRAINS”

Posted: September 27, 2009 in Past issues

Combining pussy & brains?!?

(by Elena)

Sexuality has always been a difficult subject for me, from the very start.

As a little girl, I used to be the typical tomboy: playing soccer with the guys, earning respect for being more courageous than the other girls, having a lot of fun doing stuff outside the house.

Needless to say, things changed as soon as I hit puberty. All of a sudden it wasn’t acceptable anymore to compete with the boys. Now it was more important to look good, to raise the boys‘ attention on another level. And sure, I wanted to impress them, too! I was, too, longing for a boyfriend and I did my best: I started to apply make-up, wear nice dresses, behave more elegant and I tried to keep my clothes clean. I must admit that was fun for a while but it seemed to me more like a game, nothing I could actually identify with.

But what can you do? It were the neatly dressed, all feminine girls who got all the attention – the girls without make-up and clothed  carelessly, the loudmouthed ones who still tried to compete with the boys – they didn’t get the acceptance they longed for. And I didn’t wanna be one of them.

Because really, all feminism aside: as a 14 year old you do get more aware of your sexuality. And you get the strong desire for practice. For kissing, cuddling, holding hands, romance and eventually a bit more – and if these desires are rejected it hurts a lot.  And if you find out that your „non-feminine behaviour“ is the reason for being rejected, you will give up quite some of the freedom you’ve had before, just in order to get the appreciation that is so precious to you in that age.

So did I. But it wasn’t easy. The looks was easy to accomplish. But other things really bothered me. I recognized that the most popular girls, the ones every guy was drooling over didn’t seem to be really clever. I wasn’t sure wether this was actual lack of intelligence or just putting on a show. They laughed over the dumbest jokes the boys made and made them feel like they were always in the right, even if it was so completely obvious that they weren’t.

I couldn’t bring myself to be like that. It seemed like a total lack of dignity. No thanks!

The most significant memory of this time took place in my bed late at night: me reading a book and masturbating while reading.

Weird, isn’t it? But it symbolized perfectly the troubles I had and still have with sex. The huge gap between being a desireable, erotic sexual being and, on the other hand, a person that also wants to be respected and accepted as an intellectual being.

It seems like it’s impossible to be accepted as both.

I have a lot of male friends that I get along with amazingly well: interesting discussions and talks, same interests in music, films and other activities, I’m really having a lot of fun with them. But for those guys I’m always just a friend and even though I here and then get compliments a woman just can wish for, no sexual interest here. Sometimes they even forget that I am female. And that works well for me! Because usually I don’t have the slightest sexual or romantic interest in them either and I enjoy this kind of platonic relationship with mutual appreciation and respect a lot. But here and then it happens that I fall in love. Not with my guy friends but with someone else. I tend to fall in love when I am deadly impressed by a guy’s passionate and intelligent thoughts.

And here the trouble begins: as soon as I get to know a man in an intellectual way it doesn’t take long until all romantic and sexual interest of him is – whoosh – gone. No joke. And it’s not like I didn’t hint and flirt and whatnot, but as  soon as I am seen as an intelligent and witty person to talk with it seems like my sexual side becomes invisible to men or something! And after little time I sometimes have gained, yes, a new guy friend. Great. Nothing wrong about that but hey! that wasn’t the original intention, mister!!!

Now it’s not like because of this I’ve never had any romantic or sexual contact. When I hit my late teens/early twenties I was pretty much considered a whore to some people (although it really wasn’t that wild, I promise!): I enjoyed being desired and whatnot and it was all in all a great time. But needless to say, I didn’t have much intellectual conversation with the guys I kissed and slept with to say the least. The boyfriends I had weren’t interested in discussions with me, they didn’t really want to know my political opinions, which books I enjoyed, what future plans I had in life or anything that was the least little bit profound in any way. To be honest, I was respected as a girlfriend or a sexual/romantic object, but not as a full person. I had to make compromises to be a sexual being.

Now I didn’t play dumb like lots of my fellow teenage girls used to do (I could never bring myself to that!) but I must admit I hold myself back. Passionately opposing to the guy’s opinion in a heated discussion was punished with more or less rejection. Result: I curbed myself and it usually ended with me  saying something like „Oh well, maybe you’re right. I don’t think so but who knows, it isn’t important anyway.“ just to end the discussion and get out of the danger zone.

I think Sigmund Freud once said that a man cannot find a woman sexually satisfying unless he somewhat scorns her.

Now I don’t think that’s true. But from my experience most men live by that dictum to a certain degree, probably unconciously. As a women it seems impossible to be… well, an intellectual sexual partner to men. Partly maybe, yes. But completely? I have yet to find a guy that is able to cope with that.

At the moment I’m on the brain-side. I enjoy being recognized as a creative and intelligent person, but I don’t have no sex. Right now I am used to being respected for my opinions, ideas, crazyness and humour. I don’t wanna lose that and I can’t stand to be treated otherwise. And exactly this puts me to the trouble I’m in now: As soon as I start flirting or approaching a guy in a romantical/sexual way the appreaciation of me as a whole person with thoughts, interests and intellectual offers seems to decrease rapidly. And I can’t bring myself to put this part of my personality aside just to get some sex. I can’t and I won’t. I haven’t had sex for approximately 15 months now because of that and yes, that’s the only reason.

This situation seriously stinks!!!

Now I know there’s talk about guys that are actually able to seduce/being seduced by women AND appreciate their intellect and their person as a whole, with all of these aspects at the same time and although I am obviously not lucky enough to meet them I must say I do believe they exist. I mean it’s impossible that all men are that ignorant, isn’t it? Cause in the end they’re cutting off their noses despite their faces by missing the wonderful experience of having a sexual/romantic relationship with a whole female person!

Well, I’ll keep my eyes open and myself ready. Until then I’ll keep on dreaming of wild sex involving stuff like fingerpainting Sartre quotes on each other’s naked bodies. 😉

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