Journal 7 – 2007 (by Franziska Cress)

Sex has become the most complicated human interaction ever seen on this unfortunate planet. I’m not kidding. I realized that today.

Anywhere I look… sex…. Sex sex sex sex…

I don’t mean this sex-on-tv/internet/radio-blaaah-thing. I am talking about people having sex on their minds all the time (and I do not mean their own).

I’m fucking sick of all these dumb people blabbering about sex.

For example those girls in my school that keep asking me the same fucking question for what seems like 15 years: “Did you sleep with him when he was still in the relationship with that other girl?”. true that he cheated on her with you?”

Tamara de Lempicka: “La bella rafaelo”

They don’t even know me. I don’t even know their names.

So what the hell is wrong with them? And what is their point? I am getting really tired and bored and frustrated about having to face uninteresting, dense and unreflected bullshit every….. single……. day. Why is it such a big deal for everyone to know who fucks who at what point of time? Now I really got a slight and tiny little idea of what it feels like for my gay friends to bear all these stupid jokes about homosexuality … it is not the business of people not involved. (Just for completion: of course HE is never asked these questions..just me…grrr). It’s not that I care about what these people say or think. Just another point on the why-general public-pisses-me-off-list. I don’t even know exactly why I waste my time freaking out about this whole sex obsession. Maybe it was a little too much today…

This morning I was at the gynaecologist’s and there was one of these religious propaganda magazines. And I learned: oral sex is a big sin!

What the hell do these people think? I mean, if God exists, how likely would it be, that he comes down to earth, suddenly appear in your bedroom to tip on your shoulder and say: “Hey girl, I’m sorry but I find it really disturbing, that you are giving your boyfriend that blowjob – would you please stop it? Thanks.”.

And it’s not only, that people care about who you have sex with and under which circumstances. A friend of mine is having a really tough time right now, because there were some childish rumours about how she has sex with her boyfriend. There were people that seemed to have serious problems with the possibility that she might have anal sex because that is why they just stopped talking to her. For some reason, that reminded me of Alice Schwarzer denying the existence of masochist women’s sexuality. Women who like being servile in bed or role-playing or whatever automatically become supporters of patriarchy? So what, can’t a feminist be sexually submissive, if that is what she is really into?

I doubt, that sex reveals much about our personalities, attitudes or our world view.

I am busy enough justifying myself for what I stand up for and believe in.

I am not going to start justifying myself for the sex I have.

(For it is a source of pleasure and satisfaction, pysically and mentally).

There shouldn’t be rules for something like sex – just as for love.

We all deserve so many more aspects in life in which we can act self-determined.

Can’t we at least be free in sex?

Hasn’t sex once been a last space of privacy and freedom?

Yeah, great… I can’t remember….

getting off by clementine cannibal

my eyes close and pictures flutter through my head. memories, fantasies, pornography, i try to settle on a theme. always intensity. my mind focuses on something. jamal. the first time i ever got good head from a guy. (i was so skepitcal about head from guys, having never enjoyed it.) he flips me around, he wants my ass in his face, it drives him crazy. i put the condom on, ready to fuck him, not expecting what’s coming. he grabs my thighs and pulls my pussy down on his face, sucks my pussy into his mouth like a delicious fruit. devouring me. i’ve never had head from this position, from on top and i’m loving how i’m practically sitting on his face. and his cock is right in front of me. i go crazy. deepthroating him so i can’t breathe. tears stream down my face and i love it so much. it feels so good. choking on him, riding his face, my mind obliterated by the pleasure. so good. so fucking good. but that’s just a memory.

change scenes. i need something different. i fanatasize about a scene i saw in a belladonna porno, embellishing a little here and there, changing it. the sexiest concept: one chick squirting into another chicks asshole. i’ll replay that again and again as i rub my swollen clit. it feels so fucking good. i think about deepthroating a strapon cock, a beautiful girl forcing me not to breathe. and by this point i’m breathing heavy and maybe even saying shit to myself but really i’m all alone. i make up my mind, what’s gonna make me come, dave fucking me in the park, his fingers in my ass as he slams into me so hard.

i love sex and pleasure and masturbation and orgasms. i wanna tell you how good it is for me now and how much i love it. i wanna tell you this because for so long sex was totally fucked up for me and i never thought it could be good like this. i’m a sexual abuse survivor (my grandfather, when i was a kid). i was in a bad relationship for too long and i had lots of bad sex i didn’t want. it actually got to the point where i physically could not orgasm for over a year. i could not make myself come. it was so horrible and frustrating and i thought i would die. sex made me burst into tears. but look at me now. i have orgasms all the time every day and sex is amazing. i want to tell you this because i thought i was doomed and i bet other chicks feel like that. i wanna tell you that there’s hope. you can do it. it’s a fuckin journey but it’s worth it. start by loving yourself. that’s the best advice i can give. be good to yourself no matter what.

clementine cannibal is a toronto-based riotgrrrl who writes the zine licking stars off ceilings. to contact her or get her zine drop a line to lickingstarsoffceilings@hotmail.com

Slip Me a Roofie

(by Sara Stadler)

slip me a roofie*slip me a roofie*slip me a roofie

–slip it in stick it in

slip me a roofie*slip me a roofie*slip me a roofie

your slipping me a roofie-

a sticky slanted sin

–slip it in stick it in

I can never win*I can never win*I’m tearing you apart*in abortal sin*what is it*I can say?*what is it in the art-

-of commercial violence?

viagra’s a bitch*your makin me itch*I’m making you ache*and I’m tearing you apart*I’m tearing you apart

..and I forgot

I can never win*I can never win*commercial sin/communal living

caving within-eighteens a blast*how long will it last?

in dire need of the past

don’t question no questions*in subliminal terror*human in error*human in error

don’t question no questions*in subliminal terror*human in error*human in error

don’t question no questions*in subliminal terror

slip me a roofie*slip me a roofie*slip me a roofie

–slip it in stick in/slip it in stick it in slip me a roofie*slip me a roofie

-stick it in sin & dont forget to wash your hands

The fogotten children (by Sara Stadler)

I was just 16 years old when I walked through the doors of Vista Maria, a non-profit community-based program, with treatment designed for abused and neglected girls.  I was held captive there for a year; locked away from the outside world.  The only times I ever did see the outside world was when I either went to court or walked to school, or through the tall fence.  Often times when I did look through that fence the kids playing in their backyards would refer to us as “caged animals” and would say other cruel remarks.

Life at Vista Maria wasn’t easy; everyday was the same.  We all followed a tightly knit schedule that consisted of going to school, quiet time in our rooms, dinner, therapist sessions, cleaning and free time. Girls often acted out because they were so frustrated with the program.  TVs and chairs went flying across the room.  Restraints were frequent.  I held my cool for the most part but it was hard because there were so many things that would make your blood boil.  We each had a therapist that we saw two times a week (well, we were supposed to.)  I saw my therapist only two times a month, 15 minutes at a time.  We had a doctor, and we had our treatment plans.

I consider the treatment I had at Vista Maria to be very poor.  We had our therapists, who in hindsight did more bad than good, and the everyday routines held nothing in substance.  We didn’t have too many groups or situations in which we could learn valuable skills.  A lot of the girls there came from very awful backgrounds: neglect, physical and mental abuse, sexual abuse and rape. It wasn’t just their parents either; it was also foster parents and adopted parents.  It bothers me that the state would allow children from an abusive background go into similar conditions.  You’d think the state would do its best to make sure it didn’t happen like that.  It bothers me that some foster parents take children in just so they can cash in on the money that the state provides them.  It also bothers me the ill ways they are treated in residential placements.  Locking up an adolescent girl from the real world doesn’t sound like a good idea.  I’m not a certified therapist or psychologist, but keeping someone cooped up in a building for one and two years at time with such terrible treatment does more damage then it does good.

I was 17 when I finally walked off the campus for good.  I went home to a loving and supportive family, though my family isn’t perfect, it still is a good home.  Unlike most of the girls in Vista Maria, my story has a fairly happy ending.  Not all girls were as fortunate as I was to be able to walk home to love and support.  My personal experience has made me aware of how corrupt the system can be.  I’m hoping that by telling my story at least some people will realize how it really is, and it will help make a difference for some of the kids who are living the same way I did years ago.

In my experience “treatment” was very much damaging.  By the time I got out I was so conditioned with the Vista Maria lifestyle, that it made going back to the real world very difficult.  They didn’t teach me any useful skills that would help me outside of the program.  For close to a year after I left I had developed a severe case of social phobia where I was afraid to leave my house.

Also highly alarming was my personal experience with the psychologist.  I was on 8 different medications at once.  Again I’m no psychologist or doctor, but that much medication: anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, consumed by one person cannot be good.  I was constantly tired.  I felt drained and I just wanted to sleep.  I’d get yelled at because I would come back from school simply because I couldn’t stay awake.  Near the end of my stay I was allowed to go on home passes.  I went on one, came back, and took my mandatory drug test.  The test came back and I had dropped dirty for Vicadin.  I know I didn’t take any while I was on my home pass.  Set aside the fact that you can’t test for a specific drug, only a certain class, the test would’ve showed up as a benzodiazepine instead of specifically Vicadin.  I requested to see my charts; they refused to let me see them, which was a violation of my rights.  This happened to other girls, too, two of which were in the same building as I.  I spoke with some of the staff about it and they told me that the longer one girl stays, the more money they make.  I don’t know how true that is, but if it is it’s awful to say the least.

Later I found out other girls shared a similar experience as well.  Luckily I had a family to take my side and vouch for me.  A lot of the girls didn’t have that, and remained in the system because the judge wouldn’t take them seriously, which is another aspect that enrages me about the system.  They take the word of social workers and the recommendations of therapists; yet don’t bother to hear what the child has to say.  Shouldn’t they have a say in regards to their own future?

The mental health system for adolescents is terrible.  They’ll throw a kid anywhere regardless of their specific problems.  As long as there’s an open bed and insurance funds, that seems to be the only things that matter. This makes me question what kind of world we’re bringing our children into.  As well as what kind of world they’ll bring their kids into.  In 2006, there was confirmed to be 872,000 cases of neglect and abuse.  518,000 in foster care. (Statistics from Casey Family Programs – Child Welfare Fact Sheets.

http://www.casey.org/MediaCenter/MediaKit/FactSheet.htm)
Hopefully these statistics will go down in years to come.  Hopefully people will start to recognize the significance of the youths of America and that the conditions they are born or put into greatly affect and determine their futures.  Hopefully we as a country can provide more loving homes for them, homes where a child wakes up in a warm bed and can enjoy breakfast without worry.

There are ways you can help.  You can become a foster or adoptive parent yourself.  There are plenty of websites available where you can find more information. You can also volunteer to be a mentor at a local facility.  You can also donate money to help fund for better programs.

For more information on helping a foster child please write me:          TornPagesOfTears@ aol.com

SHERE HITE

Shere Hite, born in 1942, feminist and sex scientist, is famous for her so called „Hite Reports“. In the seventies she dared to do research on female sexuality from a feminist stance and guess what? The results were not the ones conservative seventies world expected. She found out that women masturbate more often than what had been thought back then, that they have more sex outside marriage than had been suspected. This and other conclusions that didn’t go well with the moral ideals set free a storm of criticism – of course!

An outcry from Europe to the Bible Belt resulted from the things that were obviously true but that a lot of people didn’t want to read.

Soon the attacks became more specific: they found fault with her research method. Hite had focused on how people as individuals see their own sexual experience and what it means to them. Therefore she used anonymous questionnaires to frame her work.

Because of this she was blamed to generalize, to use the outcome of her questionnaires for proving a point she had already aimed to prove; the New York Times even called her work „sociological science fiction“.

Now it is true that this kind of research method is somewhat biased: a hardcore christian US housewife in the 1970ies most likely would’ve never even thought about answering questions regarding her sex life, especially to a feminist. Therefore she and her experience wouldn’t show up at all. Plus, using this method it is just not possible to cover all sorts of women, all sorts of experiences. And since the questions were answered anonymously it is possible that the interviewees were just telling lies. Hite herself doubts this: „I felt if it were face-to-face, then they would feel intimidated and wouldn’t want to speak up and answer these questions, and it would be uncomfortable. I think this is especially true for women because women had never spoken up about sex at that time. Most of the answers I received were 14 and 15 pages long, usually handwritten. Can you imagine at that time how hard it was? I still have them. They would say things like they waited and stayed up late after they put their whole family to bed and they were answering on the kitchen table and things like that, so I didn’t feel inclined to disbelieve them.“ I think she has a good point. But who knows? Maybe it were lies to some degree.

But does that mean the Hite Reports were maybe interesting and revolutionary but pointless? I don’t think so.

First, the interviewed women were real. They existed. They had to tell something that had been silenced for way too long: the fact that they indeed have a sexuality, an individual sexuality that did not go hand in hand with what society expected it to be. Facts like the one that 70% of the asked women who weren’t able to cum during intercourse could easily get an orgasm by masturbation. Back then, this was still seen as a kind of sexual dysfunction since a clitoral orgasm was considered inferiour to a vaginal one. Results that didn’t satisfy the phallocentric ego just couldn’t count. And writing them down as truths in a scientific study meant breaking a major taboo.

Well, Shere Hite did it anyway. And without her explicit and detailled feminist studies about female sexuality it would for example be unthinkable to air TV shows like Sex & the City nowadays.

Is this the only achievement of her? Voicing facts about womens‘ sexuality that the public wished not to hear? Well, in my eyes this is certainly an achievement and an important one on top of it.

But to say that her statistics and therefore her conclusions are worthless is just wrong in my eyes. Who says that you need 100% balanced statistics to deduce things that are true, of importance and noteworthy? Let’s take Sigmund Freud for example. The „God of psychoanalysis“. Now as a feminist I’m not exactly a great fan of Freud and his work but I can’t deny that we owe him some major finds on the field of sexual psychology. He might have been a sexist patriarch but quite some of his stuff is precious nevertheless. And his teachings are still widely accepted. Now were Freud’s empirical studies based on better research methods than Hite’s? Not exactly. Actually most of his detections about the female psyche and sexuality derive from what he concluded out of his session with two ladies from Vienna’s upper-class. Doesn’t seem much balanced to me… But is this a reason to declare his theories total bullshit? Definitely not. Yes, there are sure some good reasons to doubt some of his conclusions. But nevertheless he was right in quite some things despite his lack of probability samples. Just that Freud isn’t criticed for his research methods. Shere Hite is.

Anyway, Hite herself answers the question about her research method: „Now I can answer more simply and say the findings have stood the test of time. Therefore, that’s the biggest test in science. The goal was to design a questionnaire of any type — whether you were studying snails or people — that would prove to be true later. And so this is later.“

As stupid and generalizing the criticism of her statistics may have been, it wasn’t the worst.

She got hunted like a witch: the scientist got harshly insulted, physically attacked and even received death threats. Because of this she decided to give up her US citizenship and become German instead since she felt her work got more appretiation in Germany and her husband, Friedrich Höricke, was German anyways: „I renounced my US citizenship in 1995. After a decade of sustained attacks on myself and my work, particularly my ‚reports’ into female sexuality, I no longer felt free to carry out my research to the best of my ability in the country of my birth. The attacks included death threats delivered in my mail and left on my telephone answering machine.“

But why? Why would someone do this to a women if they think her work is all bollocks anyway? The answer to that is easy and difficult at the same time. Maybe they did fear that what the Hite Report was telling is true. Perhaps her results were too world-shattering for some to bear. Maybe the explicit language of the women quoted in her book(s) were reason enough for some to punish her, the author, the responsible person for this piece of work. I don’t know. All these reasons seem incredibly stupid to me but sadly I don’t consider them unlikely.

Hite tells us about another assumption: „ A statement issued by 12 prominent American feminists, including Gloria Steinem, Barbara Ehrenreich and Phyllis Chesler, described the media assaults on me as part of a ‚conservative backlash … not so much directed at a single woman … as … against the rights of women everywhere’.“

Typical sexist behaviour, if I may say it that way: holding one woman responsible for everything that one hates about all women. The idea that women have a vivid sexuality of their own, a sexuality that obviously does not follow the rules, that does not meet the common expectations of the (male) public, a sexuality that is not necessarily dependent on men at all – quite some shocker for the  society of the 70ies that was even more patriarchalic than the hippies made us believe. But could she have had a better timing? Flower Power and Free Love, the women’s movement in bloom and wham! there’s a woman scientist who dares to take this seriously and shocks the world with a true wake up call. Because sex may have been a topic discussed – but only in limits, please! Female masturbation? Boo! How dare you talk about that? And did it change much? Honestly, I know more about my guy friends’ morning boners, jerking off sessions, orgasm problems and sexual preferrences than of my girlfriends’ masturbation techniques. Isn’t it a shame? I mean guys talk about masturbation a lot, maybe not always in front of a girl, but they do. Some young boys even masturbate together to the poster of the january playmate. But girls? Mostly still pretending they don’t play with themselves, maybe they don’t openly deny it but they behave as if it doesn’t take place. And if they do talk about it, it’s incredibly tame and full of mysterious hints. Hite has noticed this, too: „I think people feel very uncomfortable about the topic, ” she says. “So, anyone who speaks about it – especially a woman – has gone into an area that’s considered somewhere good girls shouldn’t go. It’s an area that makes people nervous.”

Now I’m not the person who feels desperate only cause not knowing all the intimate details of her girlfriends’ sex life. But the gap is astounding and I do think women could learn from each other if they just weren’t too shy talking explicitly about sex: if a female friend hadn’t told me that sometimes it helps the orgasm to put a pillow under your ass, I would’ve missed quite some fun times.

Still, we cannot deny that our society is has become more open about female sexuality. And personally I think we have to thank women like Shere  Hite for taking a stand and being one of the first dropping this explicit bomb and starting the discussion. For example, nowadays the idea that women exploring their sexuality and voicing their preferrences destroys relationships and families seems utterly wild. When Hite published her book(s) it was a widespread reaction. Although there is still much work to do, much has changed and it wouldn’t have if one had stayed silent.

Writer and broadcaster Beatrix Campbell says: „It was a revolutionary work. She absolutely challenged the way in which questions about women’s sexuality had been asked throughout the 20th century. She said we’ve been asking the wrong questions. The question should have been: Why would anybody think that women would be having orgasms when it was obvious that millions weren’t? Mine, and earlier generations of women, were diagnosed frigid, so women’s disappointment was pathologised and made into a disease.”

Gee, we can surely be glad that things have changed. Which doesn’t mean everything is puppies and rainbows now: “There was a moment when work like Shere Hite’s really opened up the possibility of women claiming their own sexuality. There was tremendous interest in women exploring their own bodies, literally with speculums, and fighting for the right to sexual pleasure. And then sexuality became more of a commodity. Women these days look gorgeous and are sexually active but they are not necessarily getting a lot of sexual pleasure. There’s a way in which culture is still very ambivalent towards girls’ and womens’ sexuality.”, says Susie Orbach, psychiatrist. That’s true. One of the mean little effects is that nowadays we often feel the pressure to be sexually satisfied from a different angle. Cause aren’t we all so super emancipated and open compared to the prude 1970ies? We can talk about sex, we know about the clitoral orgasm and its secret, instead of using a speculum we can easily consult the internet about female anatomy and we already demand equality in the bedroom! Hah! But this oh so liberated atmosphere often doesn’t really take place and with all the possibilities we have now, a sexually unsatisfied women all too often feels like a loser, as if it was her own fault not „correcting“ her pleasure by using the various opportunities available: it’s your own fault, baby! So what’s the problem?

Back then the problem was that true female sexuality took place behind closed doors. Women thought whatever bad experiences she made were normal, a part of the game. Or felt pervert or disfunctioning when her sexuality didn’t fit the cliché. Shere Hite pulled the doors open and showed them: you are not alone. Others masturbate, too. There are other sex techniques, other possibilities you might not have tried. You are perfectly normal! She gave women a comparison, which was absolutely necessary.

This chance to compare was so liberating and useful that it became standard. Hooray!

But this standard got a twist that ain’t healthy. Nowadays sexual comparison is everywhere, it’s pretty much public. But public doesn’t like real women, public likes bodies and statements that suit the beauty standards, public defines what is considered sexy, not the average woman’s reality! The comparisons we have aren’t as real anymore. It’s porn, Playboy magazine, women’s magazines sponsored by make-up companies and whatnot. Yes, we now have the ability to compare our sexual selves – but to what? To an unhealthy fantasy ideal that doesn’t exist in real life. Huge flawless tits compared to our small/saggy/uneven ones, the loudest and wildest orgasm screams ever heard compared to our relatively tame sighs of joy, perfectly shaped labias with not a glimpse of hair growth compared to our jungle pussies and so on. Bump. Trapped again.

And it’s not only a womens’ problem, it’s starting to give men troubles, too, as Shere Hite observes: “[..] what I’m talking about is not the drug [Viagra] but the marketing of it, encouraging men and saying to boys, ‘You’ve got to have a big one’. These kinds of stereotypes shock me because I would have thought those ideas are passe by now. But clearly there’s a large reservoir of belief in those ideas, otherwise you wouldn’t see such a strong resurgence of those sorts of statements in the newspapers newspapers that should know better.”

Obviously it is impossible to change the (sexual) world in a short period of time and rely on the work already done: “In the 1960s and 1970s there was this feeling that one only had to say something about a certain situation and the change would happen automatically, ” Hite says. “Most of us felt that way. Now? I’m surprised that the stereotypes in society are so strong – So many things keep us drifting back to the old system.”

A reason to give up? Surely not you can bet! I say, let’s go back to the roots! Shere Hite’s books are incredibly interesting to read, not outdated at all and personally I think it’d be a good idea if nowadays’ women rediscovered her work, adding their new gained modern experiences to the old but still important questions.

It’s time to bring reality back to our images of sex and sexuality by acknowledging and valueing our very own experiences and forget about what the porn and beauty industry, the womens’ magazines, advertisings and other self-declared authorities have taught us. Let’s have a close look at who we are as a person, as a sexual being. Let’s examine our bodies and let them teach us what is good for us. Look at your vagina and be sure: This IS what a pussy does look like. It’s not gross just because it doesn’t look like Dolly Buster’s cooter. Your breasts? Look like boobs do. Even if they don’t resemble Pamela Anderson’s. Your body tells you that you get turned on by cocks smeared with body fluids, body hair or a soft big beer belly? So be it, don’t let anyone tell you you’re gross or perv because of that. Get to know yourself!

And share it. Share it with your partner(s) or with friends, with whoever you feel the urge to talk about this, to whatever degree is comfortable for you.

The Hite report was anonymous and in written form, in a society in which sex talk was a big no-no for women.

Today, sex talk is nothing revolutionary in general, so why not use this chance and perform our very own, very personal, realistic, individual Hite report again, this time not only in written language but also orally and not anonymous? Being sexual is not a shame for women anymore so let’s tear down the limits of  what our sexuality has to be like, look like, feel like. Rome wasn’t built in a day (and the ancient Romans were said to be quite sexually active, ladies!), so let’s start now. What have we got to lose but bad sex?

Quotes taken from USA today, New Statesman, The Independent and The Sunday Herald

(picture from Sara Stadler)

Combining pussy & brains?!?

(by Elena)

Sexuality has always been a difficult subject for me, from the very start.

As a little girl, I used to be the typical tomboy: playing soccer with the guys, earning respect for being more courageous than the other girls, having a lot of fun doing stuff outside the house.

Needless to say, things changed as soon as I hit puberty. All of a sudden it wasn’t acceptable anymore to compete with the boys. Now it was more important to look good, to raise the boys‘ attention on another level. And sure, I wanted to impress them, too! I was, too, longing for a boyfriend and I did my best: I started to apply make-up, wear nice dresses, behave more elegant and I tried to keep my clothes clean. I must admit that was fun for a while but it seemed to me more like a game, nothing I could actually identify with.

But what can you do? It were the neatly dressed, all feminine girls who got all the attention – the girls without make-up and clothed  carelessly, the loudmouthed ones who still tried to compete with the boys – they didn’t get the acceptance they longed for. And I didn’t wanna be one of them.

Because really, all feminism aside: as a 14 year old you do get more aware of your sexuality. And you get the strong desire for practice. For kissing, cuddling, holding hands, romance and eventually a bit more – and if these desires are rejected it hurts a lot.  And if you find out that your „non-feminine behaviour“ is the reason for being rejected, you will give up quite some of the freedom you’ve had before, just in order to get the appreciation that is so precious to you in that age.

So did I. But it wasn’t easy. The looks was easy to accomplish. But other things really bothered me. I recognized that the most popular girls, the ones every guy was drooling over didn’t seem to be really clever. I wasn’t sure wether this was actual lack of intelligence or just putting on a show. They laughed over the dumbest jokes the boys made and made them feel like they were always in the right, even if it was so completely obvious that they weren’t.

I couldn’t bring myself to be like that. It seemed like a total lack of dignity. No thanks!

The most significant memory of this time took place in my bed late at night: me reading a book and masturbating while reading.

Weird, isn’t it? But it symbolized perfectly the troubles I had and still have with sex. The huge gap between being a desireable, erotic sexual being and, on the other hand, a person that also wants to be respected and accepted as an intellectual being.

It seems like it’s impossible to be accepted as both.

I have a lot of male friends that I get along with amazingly well: interesting discussions and talks, same interests in music, films and other activities, I’m really having a lot of fun with them. But for those guys I’m always just a friend and even though I here and then get compliments a woman just can wish for, no sexual interest here. Sometimes they even forget that I am female. And that works well for me! Because usually I don’t have the slightest sexual or romantic interest in them either and I enjoy this kind of platonic relationship with mutual appreciation and respect a lot. But here and then it happens that I fall in love. Not with my guy friends but with someone else. I tend to fall in love when I am deadly impressed by a guy’s passionate and intelligent thoughts.

And here the trouble begins: as soon as I get to know a man in an intellectual way it doesn’t take long until all romantic and sexual interest of him is – whoosh – gone. No joke. And it’s not like I didn’t hint and flirt and whatnot, but as  soon as I am seen as an intelligent and witty person to talk with it seems like my sexual side becomes invisible to men or something! And after little time I sometimes have gained, yes, a new guy friend. Great. Nothing wrong about that but hey! that wasn’t the original intention, mister!!!

Now it’s not like because of this I’ve never had any romantic or sexual contact. When I hit my late teens/early twenties I was pretty much considered a whore to some people (although it really wasn’t that wild, I promise!): I enjoyed being desired and whatnot and it was all in all a great time. But needless to say, I didn’t have much intellectual conversation with the guys I kissed and slept with to say the least. The boyfriends I had weren’t interested in discussions with me, they didn’t really want to know my political opinions, which books I enjoyed, what future plans I had in life or anything that was the least little bit profound in any way. To be honest, I was respected as a girlfriend or a sexual/romantic object, but not as a full person. I had to make compromises to be a sexual being.

Now I didn’t play dumb like lots of my fellow teenage girls used to do (I could never bring myself to that!) but I must admit I hold myself back. Passionately opposing to the guy’s opinion in a heated discussion was punished with more or less rejection. Result: I curbed myself and it usually ended with me  saying something like „Oh well, maybe you’re right. I don’t think so but who knows, it isn’t important anyway.“ just to end the discussion and get out of the danger zone.

I think Sigmund Freud once said that a man cannot find a woman sexually satisfying unless he somewhat scorns her.

Now I don’t think that’s true. But from my experience most men live by that dictum to a certain degree, probably unconciously. As a women it seems impossible to be… well, an intellectual sexual partner to men. Partly maybe, yes. But completely? I have yet to find a guy that is able to cope with that.

At the moment I’m on the brain-side. I enjoy being recognized as a creative and intelligent person, but I don’t have no sex. Right now I am used to being respected for my opinions, ideas, crazyness and humour. I don’t wanna lose that and I can’t stand to be treated otherwise. And exactly this puts me to the trouble I’m in now: As soon as I start flirting or approaching a guy in a romantical/sexual way the appreaciation of me as a whole person with thoughts, interests and intellectual offers seems to decrease rapidly. And I can’t bring myself to put this part of my personality aside just to get some sex. I can’t and I won’t. I haven’t had sex for approximately 15 months now because of that and yes, that’s the only reason.

This situation seriously stinks!!!

Now I know there’s talk about guys that are actually able to seduce/being seduced by women AND appreciate their intellect and their person as a whole, with all of these aspects at the same time and although I am obviously not lucky enough to meet them I must say I do believe they exist. I mean it’s impossible that all men are that ignorant, isn’t it? Cause in the end they’re cutting off their noses despite their faces by missing the wonderful experience of having a sexual/romantic relationship with a whole female person!

Well, I’ll keep my eyes open and myself ready. Until then I’ll keep on dreaming of wild sex involving stuff like fingerpainting Sartre quotes on each other’s naked bodies.

INTERVIEW WITH LAURA MÉRITT

I gladly present an interview with Laura Méritt, a well known person to the Berlin Sex Scene: sex worker, operator of „sexclusivitaeten“, sex-counselor, mediator and communication scientist. Make also sure to check out her homepage which is just as interesting as the person herself. Here’s Laura:

1. What is your motivation to explore the world of sex, female sexuality and lust in general? How did these issues become such an important focus in your life and work?

25 years ago I was – like many women – interested in exploring my body, sensuality, sexuality, gender affairs, relationships. As I got involved in feminist things and was studying communications, feminist linguistics; I did not only analyze verbal but also nonverbal communication. I came to the decision that I have to go to foreign countries and disciplines to study body politics because I did not find serious teachers nor sex academies for practical lessons in Germany. The Osho community was not for me: I did not want to follow a patriarch. So I joined the whores movement and learned how to deal with sexuality, transsexual performances, role playing and – very important – also learned communication about sex. Who could tell and teach me better then whores?

2.Female sexuality still seems a mystery; partly because of still existing clichés and norms, partly because society seems to prefer the depths of female sexuality being kept a “secret”. What do you think might be the reason that still so many women don’t dare to explore their sexuality but turn to stereotype advice/behaviour when it comes to sex?

Clichés and norms about who is sexy and how sex has to be, what is the right orgasm or what an orgasm is, parallel with the dual thinking of male-female has a long long long tradition, as long as dicks grow thru telling everybody. So it takes more then 30 years of feminist movement to change this patriarchal thinking and internalisation, but on the other side, only 30 years let to a big change in dealing with sexuality and especially with the male heterosexual norm! Today we have a selfconscious female sexuality, more then ever before.
3. When it comes to porn, most women don’t really feel attracted to the mainstream productions – for understandable reasons. Could you name a few essential things of which you think they should definately be considered when  porn should be enjoyable for women?

The most important thing is a professional camera, looking for interesting pictures, with an interesting light setting. The genital focus is not the dominant one, and also penetration is not the only thing in sexworld, but variation, variation, variation. The persons can do some professional acting, too, they are able to show emotions during the sexplay. This means not that female porn is full of  romance and feelings but feelings can be a  “normal” part as crying for the orgasm while looking in the camera. The actors can also be older or look in another way beautiful then the blondiebigtittsgirls and blackdickhunters.

4. Most porn shops are mainly directed at men. Yours isn’t. What are the differences?

Women sexshops have better quality, because we changed the norms in toyworld. We introduced colours and ergonomics for women. We deal with transparence, we talk in a warm and cosy atmosphere about sex and give competent advice and informations. That´s what is really revolutionary. Moreover in my sexclusive salon there is a creative pool for erotic books and art projects, we organize sexparties and workshops for women, transgender, bi and queer folk, where people talk with each another and everybody can learn to develop sexuality/ies.

5. Are there any exciting projects you are working on right now that you wanna tell us about?

Yeah, we produced a feminist porn, which has still to be cut. I am very excited about this. And then, I am developing “trans-tantra” now, where gender is no question anymore. I am very happy to welcome all kind of genders in my workshops, it is such an enrichment! And last but not least, I am wokring on sex and laughter, there will be a book in the near future and workshops, too.

6. Is there any general advice you would like to give to female readers when it comes to their (female) sexuality?

Go to sexplore and dare to talk about it. Use your voice, your breath and move, babe! Don´t force or let pressure reign.

7. Anything you would like to add?

Slow down and pleasure up! Seeya in my salon.

www.sexclusivitaeten.de

Fuck my fingers!

(by Peter Parker)

Until now fingers used to be seen only as means in sexual context than as fully fledged sexual organs. This fact is surprising since fingers (or hands) are usually an elementary part of sex, nevermind which kind of it.

Nevertheless sex is usually connected with the so called “primary sexual organs”, that are normally seperated into 2 categories: “female” and “male”.

With this division and classification, a standardization takes place. There are explicit ideas of how the “primary sexual organs” should be like and, too, who has to “have” which one: men the ones defined as “male” and women the ones defined as “female”.

The difficulties deriving from this standardisation are well known. On a closer look it becomes furthermore clear how senseless it is to accredit the hitherto “primary sexual organs” and to not let fingers take this place since they deserve this status to a greater extent (if this place has to be taken at all).

The fact that fingers are sexual organs, too, should be obvious now. Furthermore, fingers are way more flexible than any other part of the body; there is no questioning about wether they are “too big” or “too small” or “too tight” or “too wide” because they can change their size and arrange themselves according to particular preference. Additionally so many questions will be answered by themselves if you accept them as primary sexual organs: nobody would even think of asking wether lesbians will ever have “real sex” in their lifetimes; same with the question of defloration (whatever sense the answer to this question may have).

If and how one could determine the link to a certain sex or gender by the fingers’ texture might have to be examined but I think it would only lead to difficulties. In this spirit it is definitely time to give fingers the tribute that they have long deserved – it is no coincidence that they end in most cases next to the loins.

Tea-jay[at]gmx.de

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Wild and Untamed

Sex. The almost mythological figure. Our image of it gets shaped by porn, teen magazines, novels and opinions from our peers (or even parents) before we make sexual experiences ourselves.

This image is kinda weird, especially if we look at the female part of it. They follow a certain code that I mentioned earlier: the image that gets planted in our brains are images of neat, shaved and groomed girls willing to have sexual relationships in a reliant form.

Cause there are rules. Nevermind if we look at or think of the kinky bondage stripper or the cute girl on the illustrations of a sex column in a teen mag  or most artsy photos. If you ask me, they have all one thing in common: they are tamed. Their sexuality is tamed. Because they fit in certain norms like listed above.

It is hard to explain what I mean by „tamed“ specifically. But I will try with a few examples, perhaps it will get clearer (at least I hope so).

Maybe you have noticed the vintage nude photos from the very early 20th century that are spread across this zine. I like these pictures a lot, that’s why I decided to put them in here. What I like about them is not particulary the „exotic retro“ style. I like that the girls in them seem to be an active part of the photograph instead of a pure motive. They look like they have something to tell – more to tell than  the bedtime stories and cliché fantasies the eyes of a playboy model tell you. Not only do those vintage women have all sorts and shapes of bodies, also their presentation is various: they are shy, seductive, bored, curious… but they seem to have their very own idea of what their sexuality means to them. Much more inspiration than nowaday’s nude photos offer. These girls are not tamed, they don’t seem to only serve the common idea of „this is what men like so look this and that way when you pose“. Just for fun, look at some playboy shots and ask yourself what the women there might have to tell you and wether it is nearly as interesting as the girls I was talking about. Do they display their very own sexuality? Or are they just a canvas for the (male) photographer’s wishes? Does he use his model for the picture or does he honour her by taking it? Or simply: what does the picture tell us? What is the pic supposed to tell us?

Another example: the new trend of pussy beauty standards. There are very crass forms like surgery. Surgery to make your pussy standard and a „beauty“. For example shortening the inner labia so that it doesn’t hang out anymore. Or reshapening your external genital structures so that they are even. Sounds sexy, huh? Or just the feeling that your pussy is ugly if it isn’t partly or completely shaved, if it’s too hairy and not trimmed enough. A girl who had a vaginal cosmetic surgery is quoted by womensenews: „”I looked in like, those magazines, and saw that the inner labia shouldn’t stick out like mine did so I had a labiaplasty and now I love the way I look; nice and neat and new. My vagina looks perfect.”

I’m not going into depth how stupid it is to assume that there’s such a thing as a „perfect vagina“ or that the inner labia „shouldn’t stick out“. What I wanna point out are the words she is describing her new pussy with cause they pretty much nail down what I wanna talk about here: she says her genitals now look nice and neat. As she was wishing for. But why?

Actually I was really irritated when I read those words. Nice and neat. Okay now – a vagina has certainly more meanings than just a sexual one – but you can’t deny that a vagina and sex have a lot to do with each other nevertheless. And maybe it’s just me but when I think of sex, I think of lust, joy, sensuality, desire, explosions. Of eye-winking eroticism, skin, sweat, voluptuous touches and a strong, wild feeling of blissful pleasure. You know, that kinda stuff. The words „nice“ and „neat“ would actually not come to my mind… Just imagine asking someone how their sex is and they answer „ Oh, it’s nice and neat“. Well… maybe I’m biased or something but if I want my sex rather unconstrained and fervid than neat, then why would I want my pussy to look like that? And I’m not talking about rampant orgies here. But better some passionate vanilla sex than… well, nice and neat. Why tame your pussy instead of letting it lead a fliberated, joyful pussy sex life? I’d rather want to picture my vagina as a free proud wolf than as a tamed, trimmed chihuahua (no offense to chihuahua lovers, but we’re talking about sex metaphors here…).

I don’t wanna say „don’t shave, it’s bad“ or „only have wild rough sex“ – that’s totally not the point. You can shave your pubic hair in an ace of spades’ shape if you wish or have sex using a checklist if that’s what satisfies you.

What I am talking about here are the lots and lots of weird subtle restrictions imposed on us, our sexuality and our genitals. Our bodies are wonderful and can bring us so much pleasure but we are taught to tame them, to tame our sexuality so that it fits into a certain pattern, a pattern that keeps us insecure and from fully enjoying and celebrating our sexuality. I’m not sure if I was able to sketch the full atmosphere of society’s stubborn (and too often successful) try to tame the female sexuality the way I wish I could.

I think it was Alice Schwarzer who once said something like „Nowadays women are very emancipated but as soon as you tell them they’re not desireable they fall back in the same old pattern of behaviour that keeps us from becoming equal.“

So it’s our turn to not let anybody tell us we’re not desireable – cause we are! Don’t let anybody tame or restrict your sexuality or pleasure. Restricting ourselves costs us a lot of nerves, energy, lust and fun – not good. So maybe it’s time we start thinking about what the things are that hold us down personally and reconsider wether they are as mighty as we thought, as powerful as we are told. Let’s reconquer our sexuality and be as wild and untamed as our very individual thoughts, soul and personality is.

You are a sexual being

Yes you are. You have always been. Just like that.

Girls are known to masturbate even while they are still inside their mothers’ wombs (and boys happen to get boners there, too). As weird as this may sound – you are a sexual being from the start, even before your mom gave birth. You are a human being and therefore a sexual being. Have always been. Hah!

Sure, it seems like when you hit teenage years this side of you awakens. Actually, it doesn’t wake up, it never slept. But at that time it is a side of you that surely becomes more and more important and you become aware of it; you now experience your sexuality way more conciously than a 6 year old playing with her pussy just because it feels good. Now you know that you masturbate and that what you do is masturbation. Now it is also sexuality in a social context. You get sexually interested in other persons, maybe question your sexual orientation, make your first sexual contacts, have a lot of questions, yadda yadda yadda. You know.
Now what’s the point of me sounding like a sex ed book for kiddies when you most likely already know all that? Well, before kicking this off I just wanted to remember you that sexuality is an important aspect of every human life, from the very start. The reason for reminding you may become clearer later.
Now a little jump from biology to history: back in the „good“ old days sex was a taboo. When you were a female. As a bachelorette you were expected to stay „pure“. No roaming around with the boys, no talk about sex and – God forbid! – no sexual contacts AT ALL. No sex until marriage. And yes, marriage was your ticket to sex. Having a husband allowed you to be a sexual being. Or – more the way it was seen by society: your husband made you a sexual being. You sure have herad the term „He made her a woman“ and the likes… Unless you were married a girl just couldn’t be a sexual being. No chance. The whole „boys will be boys“-attitude on the other hand made male sexuality been looked at from a completely different angle, of course. Men were seen as sexual beings from puberty on; even a little boy whisteling at his fellow girl classmates was being smiled at: „Look at this little gigolo!“ But girls? Sexual beings? No way. Nun, virgin or wife – you choose. Oh – and the dirty dirty whore, of course.
The story still goes on.
Although nowadays it’s not half as dingy to lead a sex life as an unmarried woman, our society is still very much influenced by this way of thinking. One example: Angela Bustillo, a Spanish model became Miss Kantabria 2007. She had to give back her crown when the jury found out she was a young mother, they said „a miss cannot be a mother“. She sued and now in Spain mothers, pregnant women and transsexuals are allowed to become a miss, too. Yay! But still – another evidence of the „old rules“: a miss (=an unmarried woman) having a baby (=the ultimate proof that she’s had sex) still seems somewhat unacceptable. Not to mention that you still cannot be a mother and become Miss Universe. And absolutely no need to mention that the „don’t be a parent“-rule doesn’t apply to male participants of any pageant…
But we don’t have to go so far.
Marriage aside – it is STILL not acceptable to be a woman AND a sexual being without any restrictions. Back then the price was marriage and often motherhood. That’s not so much the case anymore. But western society has changed little. We have other prices to pay now.
Let’s think of the terms „women“ and „sex“. What images come to your mind? How do they look? How do the women look in the image that you have in mind? Do they look like Whoopie Goldberg or Roseanne Barr? Or do they have more similarities with Pamela Anderson or Jenna Jameson?
And mind you – the word association did not have the word „porn“ in it. Just „sex“.
Society might not tell us anymore we have to marry in order to earn the right to be a sexual being, no. But it tells us that we have to be beautiful and sexy or we don’t deserve sex. Now I won’t go any further discussing the terms „beautiful“ and „sexy“ here, that’d fill a whole different issue of a zine. Let’s just mention that these terms are highly normative and have nothing to do with the real world, nothing to do with what people individually feel is sexy or pretty. They’re beauty standards set up for us to follow.
I don’t think I have to remind anybody of the countless „How to look sexy for your man“-columns in womens’ magazines. Ads that tell you „how to look hot“, „how to be sexy“, they play with themes from femme fatale to „natural“ beauty. And we see those everyday and we know they’re fucked up, but they are still part of our everyday lives, they are part of what we consider „normal“, if we want that or not.
What we get taught is that we better not try to step out of this normative system, that we better not stop pursueing to fit into these beauty standards or our sexuality will be denied for us.
You gotta be slim, shaved and neat with flawless skin, long lashes, a flat stomach, without cellulite,… the list goes on forever. Otherwise you are ugly. Or at least non-attractive. And ugly girls don’t get fucked, no man wants an ugly girl.
There is so much wrong with this, on so many levels. First, its heteronormativity – who says every girl there is wants a man? And hetero or not – who in this world says that every girl wants a man at all right now at this exact moment in her life? Our culture pressures us a lot in this: without a relationship, without sexual experiences, sexual adventures, romantic love etc. your life is nothing. We are taught to believe that we have to desire exactly this. Now of course, sex and stuff are beautiful things but I personally think it is a totally overrated must. That’s exactly the point: actually it is NOT a must. We are taught to always dream of prince charming, to want sex all the time, to yearn for a relationship and as soon as we ditch our partner we are expected to look for the next one, at least after a month. „You’ll find someone new“. As if this was the most important goal we could have in our lives.
While there is nothing wrong with a desire for relationship, sex and a partner at all there is a serious lack of balance here. We are never taught to be alone. On our own? Horrorvision! People look at you like you were an alien if you haven’t had any sex as a 20 year old. And with pity if you tell them you haven’t had a sexual relationship for the past 3 years. Because you are supposed to. The „happy single“ seems to be nothing but a desperate excuse for the ones who „can’t get any“. I ask here: what has this still to do with healthy, self-determined sexuality?
Next thing: how can anyone deny us to be sexual beings? We are, from the very start of our lives. We are, all the time, our whole lives long. It is nothing we have to earn!
But we get told it is. Unless we agree to certain terms, our sexuality is denied. For many, many girls it is for example normal to shave their legs or their pussy before they have sex with their boyfriend (anything else seems unacceptable). Many girls feel extremely insecure or even ashamed in bed for stupid things like cellulite, acne or weight. Like there was some kind of guilt, like they were doing something forbidden, something they’re not supposed to do because they don’t fit the standard. The beauty standard that seems to be the key to sexual activity, to sexual desire. Our sexuality is nothing we are supposed to proudly have unless we apply to the official sexy-standard.
But the „good news“ is: we can buy it! We can buy it with our money: shaving creams, a hot outfit, dessous, make up to hide and correct our „flaws“, anti-aging/cellulite/acne/…-products, conditioner,… the cosmetics industry is way bigger than the car industry. Think about that. There’s a LOT of money behind this. Good reason to keep up the efforts to make you feel ugly so you won’t dare to stop buying, using, trying out their products.
We pay with our bodies: plastical surgery, diets (if there was a diet that really worked, why do the diet trends change from year to year, from low fat to low carb to whatever it is now…), working out with a do-or-die ambition instead of joy or torturing our bodies with bulimia, anorexia and diet pills.
I am tempted to say we pay with our dignity.
And it’s certainly not looking like a healthy erotic environment full of relish that is created here. Quite the opposite, I’d say. But that’s the way it works: kill the eroticism, kill the pleasure, kill the carefree lust BUT keep up their desire to experience exactly what you deny them. So that the girls keep the machinery running, that they keep the cash flowing – make them pay! Pay for their sexuality…
Because that way they will have to buy their sexuality with their hard earned money and with their probably even harder earned self-esteem.
The message is: you are full of flaws or even uglyuglyugly and no one wants you, you as a sexual being will be rejected! But buy our products, follow our diet tips, do what we say and you will become a sexual being in exchange. Nice!
But how can they tell us we have to earn all this? Why? For the hundredth time: we already are sexual beings and nobody on this whole wide world but death can take this away from us. We are meant to live our sexuality, the way and to the degree we want to, the way we individually enjoy ourselves!
But we still buy their bullshit. We feel sexy when we’ve lost weight and wear a short skirt but feel unsexy with greasy hair and our baggy-video-evening-wardrobe. We still try to fit in the picture set up for us. We still fear for our right to have sex. We don’t dare to flirt cause we think we „look awful today“. We don’t go on top cause our boobies might hang and look „gross“. We try to look „feminine“ (although what could be more feminine than the feeling of being a girl??) in order to please the guys (another question would be if men – or the man we are interested in in particular- really want us to look the way we are told they do… if we are interested in guys at all). We shave, we jog, we apply make-up, we do everything to make us ourselves believe that this is 100% voluntary, we hide our false shame in concealer and more desperate trying so that we never lose our right to live the sexual feelings that burn inside of us.
But sex is nothing that any industry or society created. Being sexual has no rules, no boundaries. It’s a primary instinct, in each of us, indicidually in every thinkable shape or form. My sexual needs are different than yours, than anybody’s. Your sexual needs are different than mine, than anybody’s. It’s as unique as you are. No one needs to allow you to be a sexual being, cause you already are. There is no test, no job interview, no public viewing unless you are a prostitute. Your sexuality and your sex-appeal is not dependent on anything but your existence. You are sexy because you are a sexual being. Don’t let anyone tell you the opposite. You need nothing to be sexually active but yourself. Not even a partner.
Get rid of all the restrictions you put on yourself. Try! Wouldn’t it be worth it to go back to the roots and explore your body, your sexual needs without labels, without fear, without so called „flaws“? Find it, find your pure sexual energy, it’s there. And don’t tame it with shame, guilt, unnecessary insecurity or fear. Let it roar.